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As I listened carefully to his words, I noted that Mike often made disparaging remarks about himself. He would talk about his business with great insight and enthusiasm, but end each sentence with words of personal disapproval. The more we talked, the more it became apparent to me that Mike was unaware of disrespecting himself through his own words.
Mike unconsciously disrespected himself every time he thought, or spoke, about his business. He would begin by thinking of all the exciting things he could do to make it successful. Then, he would immediately remind himself that he wasn’t smart enough, charming enough, lucky enough, energetic enough or capable enough to actually make it happen.
It became apparent that Mike’s negative train of thought had become a “self-fulfilling prophecy” where the more he predicted failure, the more he failed. He had actually created a downward spiral that was so steep and fast, I was amazed he still had a business at all.
As we sat together, I began to repeat his own negative words back to him. He looked surprised, as if I had made the comments myself and had no right to do so! Mike admitted that he was shocked by his own words. He couldn’t believe that he talked so negatively about himself and to himself. Up to that point, he would have sworn that he was a positive and upbeat person who saw the best in people.
I reminded him that he did see the best in others and was great at giving them kudos, but on the other hand, he was his own worst critic. When he started paying attention to his thoughts and words, Mike realized he was beating himself up and for no good reason.
Mike understood that his words had nothing to do with the reality of how capable and competent he is. His negative self-talk was a thinking pattern that he’d learned from the adults in his life when he was very young. They had always focused on what he couldn’t do rather than on what he could, and it had become a habit he carried into adulthood. This bad habit was keeping him from reaching his full potential, and from being a success in his business.
Ask Yourself Empowering Questions
Mike decided to change this habit by focusing on what he could do, and asking himself empowering questions. Instead of saying, “There is no way I can finish this project by Friday” (which is negative, limiting and self-defeating), he switched to asking himself, “What do I need to do to finish this by Friday?”
This simple change of phrasing made a big change in the message Mike gave himself. It provided him with solutions to challenges, rather than words of instant defeat. By refocusing his energy on positive and pro-active thoughts and words, he was also able to achieve a better outcome. He began speaking to himself in an empowering manner, with the assumption that he has what it takes to get the job done.
As Mike paid more attention to how he spoke to himself, he soon realized that he often talked to his employees, customers and family in the same defeating way. While his words for others were less negative, he began to realize how he had been focusing on what they couldn’t accomplish rather than on what they could.
What a revelation for Mike! His negativity not only kept him down, but it was also responsible for low employee morale within his company, and a lack of confidence in his customers. “No wonder I haven’t been able to move forward,” he said to me one afternoon. “I hadn’t believed in my ability to be successful, or anyone else’s!” The light bulb had been turned on!
Now when Mike talks to himself, his employees, customers and family, he asks questions that open up possibilities and get people moving and motivated to succeed. These questions usually begin with “what,” “how” or “who”, and are designed to motivate people for action-oriented steps.
As a result of a simple shift in thought, attitude and speech, the atmosphere at Mike’s workplace became more energetic and everyone was inspired to find new and better ways to make customers happy. His optimism was now contagious and his business began to grow!
Mike learned four valuable lessons during his journey of self-discovery:
1.Negative self-talk creeps its way into your thinking process until it dominates your thoughts.
2.Negative self-talk is a learned behavior that can be overcome with new truth and positivity.
3.If you allow negative self-talk to remain in your life, you will continually focus on what you can’t do, rather than what you are fully competent to do.
4.When you see the best in yourself, you are able to see the best in others.
With these lessons in mind, consider your own self-talk. I suggest you keep a week-long journal of things you say to yourself. You may be surprised to realize how negative you are with yourself, and how this negative self-talk actually holds you back from achieving your dreams. Then, get to work on changing your negative self-talk to giving yourself positive feedback. LCM
Key Points:
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Negative self-talk creeps its way into your thinking process until it dominates your thoughts.
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Negative self-talk is a learned behavior that can be overcome with new truth and positivity.
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If you allow negative self-talk to remain in your life, you will continually focus on what you can’t do, rather than what you are fully competent to do.
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When you see the best in yourself, you are able to see the best in others.