Hi, I am nine and my name is Miguel. I was named after my grandfather. Can you help me with a question? I heard my Mom on the phone telling my Auntie that she hates it when we end up in fights and that she gets angry when I’m acting out. That’s what I heard her say. And that she has trouble being patient with my attitude. I don’t even know what that means.
Why doesn’t my Mom like me?
Beloved Miguel …
I know that you are seeking attention, and negative attention is better than no attention. So what is going on? Do you feel like you are not getting attention in the way in which you want to be noticed? Are your parents even noticing that you are different? Not like the others? This is not a bad thing. This is a good thing. You are especially unique. Mom is just busy and a little stressed. She really doesn’t mean to be pushing you aside and only noticing the things you do wrong. (Well, wrong in her mind). You know Miguel, she does have an idea of how you had ought to be. And you and I both know – it ain’t happening! Why? Simply because it is her idea of you, and actually that is what is in the way of your Mom really seeing you for who you already are, and are becoming.
I know that is is your job to keep on getting attention in whatever way you can. Because attention is what grows you. Feeds you. Nurtures you. And children will do anything, anything to get what they need to survive.
It is in every cell of our body no matter what age we are. We need attention and appreciation to thrive. You can’t appreciate yourself at your age. It has to come from outside of you and that is how you will learn self-esteem and self-worth. Both of which are vital to your holistic well being throughout your entire life.
I wonder what are some ways we can get your Mom and Dad to be with you in a way that really lets them see you, and how you shine when their light is beaming on just you. Maybe they can become more conscious of setting Miguel time every single day. Maybe even twice a day for 10 or 15 minutes. Just on you Miguel. I know you like to write. Maybe you and your Mom can start writing a story together to help other parents know more about their kids. I think your Mom and Dad are going to find out just how competent you really are.
You know how things start to escalate when you try to get attention, that is exactly the point at which you, and the adults around you, can support you in shifting the energy that is surging from you as attention seeking behavior. Your Mom could say something like: ‘Miguel, this is the point where I get angry and your behavior gets obnoxious to me. So let’s right now, both of us do something to change that. Let’s sit down right where we are and be still, and breathe, and look into each others’ eyes for a few minutes of real connection. or we could just stop what we both are doing and dance together for a few minutes just to release the build up’. That sounds like it might work Miguel. Or maybe you and your Mom can come up with some additional ways of diverting the energy so that you both are acknowledged, in ways that you want to be at the time.
Well, gotta go now. Oh, one more thing, I just think your Mom might want you to be more grown up than you actually are emotionally. Sometimes she forgets that she is your teacher. Especially when it comes to emotional intelligence, and maturity. Oh, and let your Mom know that this letter was for her inner child who hardly ever got positive attention for who she really was. So be sure to let her read this cuz it is really more for her than you.
Miguel, I can really see that you have such a joy for life underneath all your acting out. Find ways to get good attention beloved one. Your Mom can help and guide you with this. She just forgets sometimes.
Warm love coming your way like the aroma of fresh baked ginger bread … Anya : ) LCM